Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski Summary

Come as You Are Emily Nagoski Summary

Imagine a genie appears and offers you a deal: you can have all the money you could ever want under the condition that, from now on, your sex life won’t get any better than it already is. Would you accept the deal right away? Or would you have to give it some serious thought?

It may be that you’re not all that satisfied with your sex life just yet. In this case, you’ll benefit greatly from learning to understand your sexuality. And that’s where this comes come in. Based on scientific research, they will explain how context can enable or impede sexual pleasure. You’ll learn why people differ so much when it comes to sexual desire – and why there’s really no reason to obsess about orgasms (or a lack thereof).

Have you ever wondered why men have nipples? For women, this anatomical feature serves an obvious function, namely of nourishing babies. But when it comes to men, nipples seem to serve no purpose whatsoever. Then why do men have them?

Well, since every human being starts with the same basic body parts, these parts simply arrange themselves differently from person to person. This is known as homology.

For instance, as fetuses, boys, girls and those who land somewhere in the middle have identical genital tissue. In fact, for the first six weeks of a pregnancy, it’s impossible to see the difference between them.

In all cases, the genital material is made of the same sensitive tissue that’s so prone to stimulation. This fact also explains why men have nipples: all humans begin with the same basic parts, and since women need nipples, men get them too.

But the differences aren’t just between male and female genitals. In fact, every woman has unique genitals, all of which are normal and beautiful. In pornographic videos, vaginas are digitally remastered to make the lips, or labia, less visible. This can lead people to form unrealistic ideas about what a vagina should look like.

So remember, all sizes and colors of vagina are normal as long as they don’t cause pain. And the same thing goes for the clitoris. The size of this piece of anatomy can vary hugely, commonly ranging from the size of a pea to a miniature pickle.

After giving birth, Laurie, one of the author’s patients, had no desire to have sex with her husband. However, she enjoyed pleasuring herself with a vibrator and so began to feel that there was something wrong with her lack of desire for penetrative sex.

Was there?

Absolutely not, and here’s why:

The human brain has both a sexual gas pedal, which is pushed by sexual stimulation, and sexual brakes that get pumped when a threat arises. For instance, any sensory perception from a smell to a sound to a thought can tell your brain that sex isn’t a good idea. Your brain responds by slamming on the sexual brakes, prompting you to say “not tonight, honey.”

In fact, a nervous system with easily triggered brakes is the most common cause of sexual difficulty. For example, in 2008, a study of 226 women found that those who were only aroused under perfect circumstances, or those who felt anxiety about being slow to become aroused, were much more likely to experience sexual difficulty.

But every person’s sexual brakes and accelerator have different sensitivities, which means everyone has a different sexual personality. For instance, the author has another patient, Camilla, whose sexual desire was very weak – but it wasn’t because she got anxious during sex, nor was it because she lacked trust in her partner. In other words, her sexual brakes weren’t the issue.

However, Camilla wouldn’t experience any arousal when looking at her partner, or even when in sexual situations or fantasies.

The problem?

Camilla suffers from a weak gas pedal. This means she doesn’t respond as rapidly to sexual stimulation as some people do; instead, she needs plenty of time and attention to feel enthusiastic about sex.

See if this story sounds familiar: two people meet, fall in lust and spend the next six months in a passionate frenzy. But, eventually, the thrill begins to wear off and they find themselves less and less excited. By the end………

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